Scare the world.
Be exactly who you say you are and tell the truth.
Yesterday I competed in my first local of the season and I placed first runner up. That's not a bad placement by any means, but if that's true, why did I still feel so defeated afterwards?
I had a great interview, I was told that my onstage portions were on point, I felt pretty decent about the performance I'd given for my talent... but I still don't really feel good about the whole thing. Why?
I'm toiling with these feelings and questions today because it confuses me.
For talent, I chose to sing instead of speed paint - this was mostly because I was planning on competing a month from now, and when I decided to sign up for the September pageant, that cut off a month of painting preparation (that's a good chunk when it comes to creating a speed-painting, for me at least).
I wonder, though, if somewhere in me, I felt that I was not being as authentic to my identity. Now that I know what it feels like to have adrenaline running through my fingers and out the bristles of a brush while painting onstage, does the racing of my heart before I go on to sing not hold up? In my interview, one of the judges took the time to research me and saw that I had painted at the state pageant and watched a video of it. She pointedly asked me why I was not painting at this pageant and I explained to her that I didn't feel I had the time to prepare an adequate image for them, which was true. But I guess I could have made time.
Last Sunday, much of the pageant community witnessed Miss New York and now Miss America, Kira Kazantsev, drum on a red cup and sing while seated and barefoot onstage. To me, that was a spark of reassurance from her (as I believe she intended it to be), saying that it's okay to have the unusual talent act and that you can be successful with it.
I will be honest with you, after states this past June (which I can't really believe was less than 6 months ago), I was seriously questioning if I would ever paint onstage again. I wondered if it was worth it and if it was a talent that read well over the footlights in the understanding of the audience and especially the judges. There were people close to me who backed me up and supported me and offered advice. There were people who were also close to me who questioned if it was competitive enough and if I was capable of pulling it off and if it was a "Miss America" talent.
I chose to paint because one of my passions lies in the fine arts. I also painted because I know that is a talent that I can take to the Miss America stage, but not only that - also into Children's Miracle Network Hospitals and draw and paint with children. Art therapy is a growing interest and is something that I can personally bring into hospitals to interact positively with children.
After the pageant yesterday, many familiar patrons and friends asked, "Why didn't you paint??" This was spoken in a tone that suggested that they were eager to see what I would do next on a spinning canvas and were kind of bummed that I didn't tote the easel on stage that afternoon. Those comments, as well as the judge's comment in my interview, suggested to me that maybe speed painting is a talent that can be translated well for a pageant and instilled a new energy in me to pick my brushes back up and start working on a new 90-second-piece.
Aside from the painting, another thing I have been circling around in my mind is the issue of ink.
I did cover up one of my tattoos - my most recent one, and the one that means the most to me - my ampersand that I got with my brother. I did this because even after my good friend and previous Miss Kansas, Theresa Vail, showed her tattoos on the Miss America stage, tattoos are still considered taboo on a pageant stage. I've always said, "Why would I cover up something that I chose to put permanently on my body?" Well, before now, I haven't had any tattoos that are as big and bold as the one on the back of my arm. I am told my ampersand tattoo is distracting and that I should cover it up because it's hard to picture me onstage with a giant & on my arm when I'm in an evening gown, among other things.And I get it.
It's not "normal".
But on the red carpet, celebrities flaunt their tattoos in stunning evening gowns and nobody has any issues with it. And Theresa placed high at Miss America her year despite the Serenity Prayer that went down her side. Why is it, then, that I still feel an amount of shame when I want to display a tattoo that I chose to get permanently on my body? Especially one that represents the strongest bond that I will ever have with a person - that with my brother.Ha - and it took so much work to cover it up, too! I'm so freakin' pale that I couldn't find any coverup that was light enough for my skin tone. It took layers and layers of the lightest coverup I had plus a WHITE powder/highlighter to mask the ink on my arm.
In my interview, they also asked me if we, as humans, are justified in judging someone by the way they dressed - I talked about how it is a mark of an educated person to dress for the job that they want. I would not go into an interview for the job of Miss America in my painting smock and sweatpants because that doesn't really make sense, does it? Some might add to that, in light of tattoos, saying that the job of Miss America is not filled by a woman with ink. But I would like to think that it's not defined by solely ink-free skin either.
I don't know my reasoning for writing this blog except to maybe just get my thoughts out there... Maybe I just needed to "talk through it" with...uh... the void that is the internet.
As of this moment, at the end of "the day after", I want to say that I will be authentic to myself. I want to paint; I want to proudly bear my tattoos; I want to be exactly who I am and own it. And honestly, sometimes that's easier said than done.
I hope that if I choose to show my tattoos - the ones I have now and/or ones I choose to get in the future - that I will have the support of people I love. I hope that if I choose to paint, it will resonate with someone as Kira's talent resonated with me.
So... stay tuned to see what conclusion this ginger comes to. I'm not sure when or where I will compete next, but unless you live under a rock, rest be assured that social media will notify you when I get my sparkly heels and my paintbrushes back out to rock a stage near you.
- Annika Wooton
